The Contents of My Hurt

I’m angry because I feel like I knew you

But you never truly wanted to know me.

I was there for the death of your grandmother

And I’m not even sure if you know my grandmothers name.

I wanted you so badly that I totally immersed myself in you.

And your family.

And your dreams.

And your interests.

And your friends.

These are all the places I went wrong.

I will never connect myself to someone like that again.

I wouldn’t let myself even if I had found a man as pure as God himself.

I hurt so badly because of all of these things.

I hurt so badly because of all the memories

of taking silly pictures and chasing each other in the park.

Making forts in your room

and falling out of hammocks.

Memories of slow dancing at two proms and one homecoming.

Of sneaking out of Spanish everyday just to walk around with you.

Of hand hearts and tickle fights and vinyl records.

Of forehead kisses and elbow surgery.

Of church on Sunday morning,

And lovin’ on Sunday night.

These are all the things that haunt me before I go to bed,

And every time I wake up.

You make me hate myself!

Because I remember how much you made me love myself.

How talented and beautiful and loved you made me feel.

And then ripped it all away.

Nothing is left of the girl I was when I was with you.

I have been completely used up.

I feel pathetic and worthless and so much more.

I feel ugly

And awkward

And dumb.

I feel like people stare at me,

and wonder what went wrong.

And I don’t know if anyone could love someone who feels like that about themselves.

It is too late for me, I feel undeserving of anyone’s love including yours.

You may feel as though you’ve set me free

But I just feel like a fish out of water

Gasping for air in an environment I cannot adapt to.

But I guess none of it matters anymore.

I will not chase you.

Because you clearly don’t want to be.

I will not chase period.

I will walk.

I will walk into the world

And do what I must to get back what was taken from me.

My dignity.

My pride.

 And my composure.

You taught me that no one can fix my problems.

But you lied when you said I would never have to go through them alone.

I will walk out into the world and mend my own heart.

Because I know that no one will ever be there for me except for me.

I always believed in Love.

Until now, when I question its very existence.

~T.E.

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